I think about this a lot. What makes me or anyone who they are? Do I derive my sense of who from the people around me? Is it in what I do, how people perceive me, or what I say I am?
This question is difficult to unravel. On one end, you do not want to define yourself by your attachments and external baggage as you grow, but more often than not, they become who you are.
I have two trains of thought. The first is to look at it from the perspective of a world where a person’s name is irrelevant. Without a name, how would people recognise you? Perhaps through physical features—your eye colour, height, or the clothes you wear. But these attributes, while unique to you in combination, often fail to capture the essence of who you are.
Physical appearance is superficial; it changes over time and tells little about your inner world. A scar on your face or hairstyle might catch someone’s attention, but does it reflect your kindness, ambitions, or struggles?
Likewise, societal roles may define how others perceive you—your job title, where you live, or the car you drive. These roles, like your physical appearance, are easier for others to categorise but are often limiting. Are you only “the woman with the long red hair who works in local government” or “the son of the pastor who owns the big church on the Haatso-Atomic Rd.?”
I find that these labels strip away the complexity of individuality and life, reducing us to a convenient shorthand. Yet, there’s a paradox here. While these external markers fail to fully capture identity, they play a decisive role in shaping it. How people treat you based on your appearance or role often significantly influences how you see yourself.
For instance, as you’ll come to see, especially in the corporate world, people who are recognised as “reliable” or “funny” often lean into these traits more than they naturally would outside of these environments. So much so that these external perceptions weave themselves into their self-concept over time.
But all of these are overrated in the pursuit of who anybody is, aren’t they? If humans are unique individuals, then this approach is surely not sound. A person’s identity shouldn’t be confused with their brand.
I’d argue that identity must go deeper—rooted in character, values, and experiences, which external factors can only hint at but never fully define. Maybe our uniqueness is in the wiring of our brains and how they interpret situations and experiences. I like this theory better because how do you find something appealing and funny when another finds it gross and uncanny?
And that’s the second train of thought. Research shows that the development of the human brain plays a pivotal role in shaping how we think and behave, especially during early childhood. This period is critical for brain growth and is influenced by genetics and the environment.
So, early experiences shape our neural connections, leaving lasting effects on how we think, feel, and behave for the rest of our lives. From the stories we hear to the values we learn, these experiences quietly lay the foundation for our sense of identity. Because no two environments are exactly alike, we grow up with unique mindsets, values, and passions.
It makes sense why cultures, religions, geographic regions, and even ethnic groups often have different mindsets, values, and tolerance levels. But let’s not go too deep into that rabbit hole. It’s a topic that could fill an entire library of research.
What I find fascinating about this line of thinking is that a person’s sense of self—who they believe they are—is often a product of conditioning. And more often than not, they don’t even realise it until much later in life.
Maybe that’s why so many of us struggle to find what makes us unique. After all, in a world where childhood education and shared experiences in real life and on the internet can feel so uniform, it’s easy to wonder—how much of “me” is really me?
The lifeline is that who anyone is isn’t set in stone, and they can be whoever they want to be—they can learn and unlearn the foundations of their personality. Do you know who you are? And do you know why you are who you are?
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